


all this and heaven too

by glossolala



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Tag, Episode: s10e14 The Executioner's Song, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-13 14:43:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3385580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glossolala/pseuds/glossolala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I can't stop you, Dean. Not in the way you want me to. That's not something I can ever do, you need to understand that. I won't make you promises that I won't and can't keep."</p>
            </blockquote>





	all this and heaven too

**Author's Note:**

> 10x14 coda fic
> 
> The episode broke me thoroughly so instead of sleeping, I stayed up and wrote this to exorcise the cuddlefic demon if you will.
> 
> Title is from the Florence + The Machine song of the same name. Feedback and constructive criticism (or even just kudos if you like) always welcome, as usual.
> 
> ETA: some grammatical fixes and added a line or two here and there.

Cas frowns at the floor when Dean's hand leaves him as he walks away. He's always depended on their ability to read each other without saying a word, so when Dean avoids eye contact and leaves, he doesn't know what to think. He thinks Dean doesn't want to be read right now. He thinks, he probably won't want to talk. He hasn't wanted to talk all day.

"How's he doing?" Cas asks Sam, and he can tell the answer isn't gonna be good when Sam hesitates and draws in a breath like he's forgotten to do it in a while.

"Cas.. Dean's in trouble." Sam's voice breaks at the end of the sentence. Just false bravado then, not that he's surprised.

"I'll go to him." He doesn't wait for an answer and turns around to walk down the hall to Dean's room, purpose in his step but a hollow feeling in his chest like someone scooped out all his insides and replaced them with cotton.

He knows Dean's exhausted, both physically and emotionally, something in him aching with the memory of Dean looking utterly destroyed as he'd staggered down the staircase after his fight with Cain. It's been a long time since he'd seen Dean with that haunted, lost look in his eyes and Cas's fists clench as the urge to soothe that hurt away takes a hold of him.

He hates to have to disturb Dean after a night like this, but he'd hate more for him to have to sit alone and wallow when he can potentially do something about it.

Cas knocks on the door, softly, afraid to grate too hard on one whose nerves are already well frayed. Hearing no answer, he almost turns away but instead decides to push the door open slowly and step in. Dean's sitting up on his bed, his back to the door, head bent down and elbows propped up on his knees, hands hanging down in-between.

Cas steps forward and says, voice low, "Dean?"

Dean doesn't lift his head or turn around, but he answers with a "Yeah, Cas?", and the obviously falsely cheerful attempt at a normal tone of voice sends a pang of dread through Cas. He's been trying to keep his cool all day, to not be a hinderance if not a help, despite how worried he is for Dean, and not seeing Dean's face right now to assess how he's doing is spiking that anxiety again.

He moves to the side of the bed Dean is on, and perches on the edge of the bed, keeping a bit of distance between them, because he understands the need for space when everything feels like it's closing in on you.

Dean's gaze is set towards a far away point, farther than the floor, and he looks just as lost as he did back in that barn, as if he's struggling to stay in the here and now. They remain in silence for a few moments, Cas’s silence on his part offering an opening for Dean to speak if he wants to. He doesn't seem to want to say anything, though.

"Dean, I'm sorry." Cas starts.

That seems to jolt Dean, and his tired eyes refocus as he looks up at Cas and says,

"What? Why are you sorry?" And Cas hears the unsaid ‘I’m the one who should be sorry.’

"I'm sorry I can't make this go away. I wish I could, more than anything. I hate seeing this happen to you."

"It's not your responsibility, Cas. It's fine. I'm fine. You know how it is, just rolling with the punches." Dean tries smiling but he just looks like it physically pains him to try, and Cas's stomach does a little dip because it hurts seeing Dean like this.

He stares at Dean, saying nothing in return, because everything feels inadequate. After another bout of silence, in which Dean seems to withdraw again, he decides to say:

"Dean, I know why you gave me The First Blade, and I am keeping it safe, but I need you to know that I will never use it against you. I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you." Again.

Dean has been looking like he's just about ready to keel over at any second from exhaustion, but now, he sits up straighter and his eyes widen and he frowns, looking back and forth between Cas's eyes. He looks infuriated for a second.

"Cas, please.. you can't let me just—"

"I'm also sorry I can't—" and he pauses because it puts a sour taste in his mouth to even consider it, "I can't stop you, Dean. Not in the way you want me to. That's not something I can ever do, you need to understand that. I won't make you promises that I won't and can't keep."

Cas doesn't know what his face looks like, but he knows he feels adamant about his decision and no amount of arguing will ever change his mind, and Dean must see that somehow because Cas physically feels all of Dean's fight leave him and he sees his brave face fall. Cas sees his body lose its supports and collapse, and Dean's back hunches down as he realises that he doesn't have an out anymore. He covers his eyes with a trembling hand.

"Shit, Cas.. " Dean's voice cracks down the middle and it's like a slap in the face. "Cas, what the fuck am I gonna do? I don’t know what to do."

"I know you think the only way out for you is death," Cas grabs a hold of Dean's free hand between both of his and presses it as he speaks, as if he could lend Dean real strength in that way. His hand is shaking badly. "You're wrong. Dean, please listen to me."

He gently pries Dean's other hand from his face and holds both of his hands in his palms, running his thumbs back and forth across the back of them. Dean's eyes were red rimmed and glazed over before but now, the tears turning his eyes a watery shade of green spill freely down his face. Cas's heart clenches at the sight and he feels his own eyes well up.

He hates this. He hates what the world has done to this man, who he knows has remained gentle despite all the hard edges he wears on the outside. It's unfair.

"Dean, you've gone through more than anyone should have to go through in one lifetime, and you're still here. I've been here for a long time and come across billions of people, and I swear to you, in all my years, you are the kindest and strongest soul I've ever met."

Dean's eyes are down turned, unable to keep eye contact with Cas out of shame or embarrassment, and Cas can still see tears dripping off his face, and he can hear his breath come quick as Dean tries to stay calm and fails, and Cas tentatively touches his cheek and swipes his thumb across a wet cheekbone.

"Please.” His own voice wavers. “I need you to have the same faith in yourself that Sam and I have in you. I know this is the hardest thing you've ever done, and I don't know if this is enough.. but we're here. I'm here. And I'm staying here. That, I can promise you."

"You can't promise that, Cas. I can't take priority over other things. You have shit to do, I know that." Dean says, and his voice sounds watery but sure. Sure that Cas can't stay, because why would he when he's left so many times before? In that moment, Cas saves a little hate for himself, that he hasn't been there for Dean when he's needed him the most.

"Dean, you take priority. You— you always have." Cas leaves out the 'everything I do, I do for you and because of you' because it feels.. too big. He's said something similar in the past, he thinks, but that time was different. They were different.

He reasons that saying any more would do more harm than good, because despite how much he loves Dean and how much he's willing to do for him, this might be the wrong thing to say at this time. He doesn't want to alienate Dean or make him uncomfortable when he needs to be comforted. Well, if he's being honest with himself, despite the heavenly power swirling around his body, he feels a very human and debilitating weakness. He doesn't think he’s brave enough to say anything out loud just yet.

He says instead, "You're important to me, you know that too."

Dean curls his hands into the front of Cas's coat like he's the only thing preventing him from drowning, and he pulls. Cas's arms immediately go around Dean's strong shoulders, and he gathers him to his chest.

He can sense the tremors wracking the body encircled in his arms and his shirt gets damp in one spot and it breaks Cas's heart to bits, but he’s also relieved that he got through to Dean on some level, even if this is the result. He keeps his hands firm on the back of Dean's neck and his back, making sure to stay solid and there, because he knows how easy it is to lose yourself in hopelessness like this without an anchor.

The shaking dies down and he feels Dean's palms unclench and sit flat on his chest. He hears Dean murmur, "So stay. Here. Tonight, I mean."

A warmth diffuses in Cas’s chest and he replies simply, "Okay."

They both toe their shoes off and get under the sheets, where they lie down on their sides, facing each other. Dean seems unsure how to proceed. Cas can still see tear tracks on his friend’s face, and he goes to wipe them away with his fingers, and chases his fingers with his lips, pressing a chaste kiss on the side of Dean’s cheek. Cas holds his breath and thinks he's gone too far for a second, that he's made it too obvious, but Dean just exhales and closes his eyes and presses closer yet, leaning his forehead against Cas's collarbone, his breath warming Cas' skin. Cas wraps his arms around Dean again, who has an arm across Castiel's waist, under his coat, clutching a handful of shirt at his back. His breath slows and he seems to drift off after a while.

He hadn’t healed Dean’s injuries while he was still awake, not wanting to hear arguments from him about how he’s wasting grace, but now, Cas slowly sends a surge of his borrowed grace through Dean’s body, healing bruises and cuts as it flows under his skin.

Maybe old habits die hard, but as he feels the tension leave Dean's body and as he settles further into Cas’s arms, he decides to stay up and watch over him. He can't imagine what Dean sees behind his eyes in sleep, not anymore, so he hopes that this'll be enough to chase the demons away for tonight.


End file.
